i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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