My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
