When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
