I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
