I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
