She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
