I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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