I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
