The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
