So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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