he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
