I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
