I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
FUCK WHALES
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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