he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
