i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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