I can't breathe out the right side of my face
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I need water and some morals
Randomize
