I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
