when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
