have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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