kristin has been a bad kristin
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
