I am puke
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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