How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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