those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize