We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
