eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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