So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
