I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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