KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I will be naked everywhere
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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