Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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