I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
