It's Friday. Sex?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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