I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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