I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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