sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
