i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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