I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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