She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
50% drunk capacity currently
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
