How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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