Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
