ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
