Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
