I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
