im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
