The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up under a house in Key West
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
