she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
