Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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