These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
