cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
