i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
