dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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