The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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