he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
