I am spending my child support on dildos
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
