woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
