someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize