Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish you could order shots online.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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