So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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